When my Love spoke about the day when he would be told that he could no longer heal, he was talking about the day when the descending (as of an airplane) would start. Image thinker that I am, I saw that before me. Unexpectedly that day broke for me Monday.
After waking up last week with headaches and other complaints that I saw as the effects of very intensive years, vomiting was also added on Monday morning. The radiotherapist decided to pick me up by ambulance. Just to rule out doomsday scenarios. A sweet neighbor came to my aid and went with me. That same day a CT and MRI were immediately made and they showed without a doubt that, despite all the heavy treatments, my head is now being taken over by a very aggressive cancer. Eight bulbs of cancer, spots of cancer in the meninges and also cancer in the cerebrospinal fluid. An overwhelming amount, which made it immediately clear that my body can no longer be saved with chemotherapy, operations or radiation. The intense results clearly also affected the people who brought it to us, they know me a bit by now. The doctor found it difficult to give a prognosis, but expects me to live a few more months.
The remedy Dexamethasone that I was given immediately does wonders: the headache and nausea are gone again. Besides the realization that various plans are no longer going ahead (and I always have plans) and the deep sadness that I also felt among the people I called, I was first struck by a fear of what was to come in the short term. The neurologist was able to reassure me: the cancer is not at the front of my brain, which determines my character and my thinking ability will last for a long time.
I felt and feel no anger. In addition to the sadness, a bizarre sense of resignation came over me and a great realization of what really matters to me. Resignation because I experience a deep sense of gratitude for my almost 51 years of life. Goodness, I have fully lived, fought for what I believed in and enjoyed it to the fullest. I have experienced enough for a lifetime and I know that. In doing so, I realized that I have always been able to love a lot of people incredibly and also felt loved by a lot of people. Once again – and I realize that even more now – that is the most important thing. I would have loved to have lived longer, but I cannot be angry, because I feel like a rich person and have already had a full and precious life.