The last few days I enjoyed that wonderful feeling of freedom. My condition and strength increased again and the silent hope blossomed in me that the cancer might be out of my body. My own immune system might be able to clean up new bad cells again. Perhaps new heavy treatments could be spared, based on the latest scientific insights. I started seeing people again, making appointments, making plans. One of those postponed plans was to collect the most beautiful photos of my sweetheart to make a collage for in my bedroom.

Peace to mourn
Time to build
Daring to trust
A future again

Hope had given me energy. But I had given the experts I had consulted in the other hospitals last Friday and yesterday the thankless task of having to put my feet back on the ground. They’re probably trained in it, but it’s not fun for them. Despite the fact that I am walking on clouds because of my neuropathy-affected feet, the blow was hard. Complete unilateral amputation is required, as is radiation to sternum, one of the vertebra, armpit and chest. And even then, there will still be a high chance that the cancer will come back afterwards. The results of the scans are certainly wonderful, because that gives a chance to survive. But there is absolutely no reason to think that all the cancer is now out of my body. They urged me to have the surgery as soon as possible. It is important to take a moment to be well informed, but if that comes at the expense of extra time for such an aggressive cancer to grow, it is also very dangerous.

We listened to each other sadly. The experts understood why I had felt such a need for rest after all the intensive years. I asked for supporting facts and got them. My dear friend was there, helped me ask questions and held me tight afterwards. Even before I got home, I had already contacted my own hospital again.

Early this morning I received a message: I will probably have my surgery next Monday 25th.

From 1991 to 2017, this October 19th had always started so differently: with breakfast in bed and presents for my birthday sweetheart.